I start recording my second acoustic cd on Monday. Im really looking forward to getting some new songs done. That's all. No more news right now.
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| Date: | 2003-12-25 03:05 |
| Subject: | yeah |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  sad |
It's Christmas again. Another lonely Christmas. At least as far as special someone goes. I got my fam and friends...which is great. Matt D. is awesome. Perry is home which is cool. My friends from work are all special. I talked to someone tonight. The last...make that second to last person I thought I would hear from.
I miss her, but what can you do right. I've found it out but again and again I keep forgetting...guys and girls cannot be best friends period. It's never pretty in the end. It was good to hear from her in a way...at the same time it made me very sad. I miss her more than I think I've ever missed anyone in my entire life..but at the same time....you know where I'm going. It's almost like I miss her so much that when she calls I don't want to hear from her. Or maybe its just me being retarded. I don't know. I just wish life was like it was a year and a half ago. ( I think that's how long it was.?) I miss hanging out and not having to worry about petty sh*t. I miss alot of things these days. I just wish i would meet someone. Someone with all the qualities I dream of and more. I thought I found it once and I was wrong. However, in being wrong nonetheless, I realized that the one for me will be all she was and more...giving me hope of one day having that feeling...that feeling of being alive. Where it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as she ( nameless ...whoever she winds up being)is there and cares for and about me. It's all in time though. Tonight I realized what it truly means to whole-heartedly (sp?) miss someone. It hurts.
I played last night at a friends apartment. It was okay. I had fun but it was really goofy. See...all but like 2 or 3 people there had seen me before and so it was easy to goof off. I hope that the new guys didn't think low of me. I did okay, but my performing these days is few and far between. I dont really play much at all actually. I just work.
I got the coldplay live dvd. It's great. It reminds me of the forementioned (sp?)person...however. She bought me the cd "Rush of Blood to the Head". "Amsterdam" is an amazing song. Im rambling now, because it's 3:30 am on Christmas morning, im depressed, sleep-deprived, and all I can think about is how much Christmas sucks this year. As it did last year...and the year before that....the year before that was good (at the time), but anyway...point being, Im freakin depressed! For once can i just have the happy ending?...PLEASE?
"Don't let go.
Don't let your heart grow numb.
Don't grow bold enough to tell yourself it's over.
All is lost but maybe just for now.
Faith will get you...faith will get you through somehow!".....
from "Tattered Edges and Matresses" by Jeremy Jones
(sp on this journal may be a little off. sorry)
anyway....i guess I'll go for now. Thanks for reading if any of you still do. Sorry for the complaining. I guess it's just me.
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Hello again. If anyone still actually reads this thing. Anyway...Still looking for musicians. Not alot going on, but I will be posting regularly again soon.
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| Date: | 2003-10-14 01:09 |
| Subject: | no comment |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | crappy |
life is crazy right now. very frustrated with music and the band. very lonely all the time. I have the opportunity to play in a praise band and get paid for it, but I wouldn't be able to go to MY church. extremely lonely. new habits die hard, but I cant continue! PERIOD! anyway, no one's fault but mine. I just want to be happy again. oh well....
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| Date: | 2003-09-11 22:46 |
| Subject: | the best day |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  happy |
WOW!...seriously i had a great day. For the first time in a long time. I got to sleep late...which I usually do anyway, cause I never go to bed until 5 am. Anyway, it was an amazing day today. The weather was incredible! I love it...it feels like fall. You ever had one of those days where you just marvel at the atmosphere and God's creation? I did! I just had this day where I "WOW'ed at everything. And then, to top it off...an old friend called me tonight, just to say hi. Just to see how I was doing. Someone who I've been dying to talk to so much lately. Anyway, all in all it was an awesome day!
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| Date: | 2003-09-10 05:56 |
| Subject: | dashboard trip 3 |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  contemplative |
so yeah, Im going to see dashboard again tomorrow. I'm really excited, but sad nonetheless. the last two times I went with my best friend...now I don't have one. I wish I had someone to take with me...but I don't.
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it's another friday night that I'm sitting here alone....by myself listening to coldplay.
I remember when I always had something to do on a friday night...I always had that security because I was with a beautiful girl that loved me very much. or so I thought. I don't miss our relationship because i know that we aren't meant for each other, and I don't love her anymore....but I would give almost anything to be able to be siting here with her right now...listening to coldplay together. to be able to talk and confide in each other without jealous stares from across the room. I would give anything to be able to look into her blue eyes again while she tells me about her day. Why do I feel this way? I can't understand the origin of my depression. I know that God's time is perfect and that he's got someone for me and blah blah blah. But for the last week...ive just wanted to talk to her...just say, "Hi...how are you?" It hurts. I've gotten to where I just want company. I hate being alone. When I'm alone I think about it and it all bothers me. I've lost 3 best friends in the last year..one dumped me, the other moved to Florida, and the third doesn't have time anymore...which is understandable. And I just sit back and watch two of my closer friends waste and throw away their lives. It's very depressing, I guess because I am so passionate and I care about other people so much. Anyway, I'm just depressing myself more. I gotta get out of this house and do something.
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| Date: | 2003-09-04 23:49 |
| Subject: | sad |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | sad |
sad
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Well my writers block has been broken. Of course, that could be a bad thing since I've been so depressed lately. Everything I write tries to come out depressing. I don't want to write depressing songs anymore though. I'm so tired of not playing shows. I just want to play music...and since nothing else means quite as much to me it's like I'm just completely empty.
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so sick of this every day-every way dying
inside...outside
these days become shorter and shorter
9-5 seems to be the only thing to look forward to
they don't know the trouble
they don't see the violence and rage
they don't want to
they want to comfort with a generic phrase used only to uplift themselves
"we helped", they say.
you're just overreacting
they aren't worth it..so you tell me.
its never worth it
nothing is worth this heartache
nothing is worth being lonely
no one is worth tears
nothing is worth fear
we gather here today to celebrate the death of self-esteem
we pray that it will finds its way to open arms
resurrected one day with a kiss..this is all we can hope for
no one cares, it's just another day another death.
So I hung out with some cool girls last night. Just made me sad. I miss everything from when I was happy. I miss security...even if it wasn't meant to be. I miss playing shows and feeling like it meant something to me. I went to the beach till like 4:00 in the morning last night. The stars were out and it was quite pleasant...even though, I can't enjoy the beach anymore...every time I every went was with my girl or with a girl I wished was mine...or my ex girl that ripped my heart out. Everything reminds me of sad times..or reminds of good times which I haven't had in a long time which depresses me even more. The music I listen to, the movies I watch. Everything is over.
P.S. Happy Birthday "D-Money"
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well we are half way there....we got the guitar situation figured out. We are rockin 3 guitars now. waiting on a bass player. Possibilities though so not so scared anymore. Still lonely. need someone to cuddle with... no, not need, want! nonetheless, I'm having fun out on my own, but i just wish i had someone special.
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| Date: | 2003-08-11 13:23 |
| Subject: | hello |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  anxious |
So things are okay. School starts in a week and that's gonna suck. I think things may start rolling with the band soon, but I'm not sure yet. I haven't talked to my guitar player in a month or so...hes MIA and no one knows where he is. Bass player situation may be solved and hopefully, if everything works to plan we will have three guitarist now instead of two. Anyway, being out on my own has been nice so far. Still getting lonely at night when im alone, but I try and keep myself occupied as much as possible. anyway, all in all Im still alive so I'm thankful for that......
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| Date: | 2003-07-24 21:57 |
| Subject: | none |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  aggravated |
so im out on my own now. i love my place and i'm having a blast. however, we haven't gotten the internet yet so i just now checked my mail and i've been moved out for two weeks now! it's crazy.
the bands not doing so hot...there basicaly is no band. it's just me, shawn, and chris jamming out every couple of weeks. we have no bassist...STILL!!
we're writing alot of new stuff. we all like it, it's a departure from our old stuff which is good. i just want to play shows and go record again. anyway, goodbye again and hopefully i will have access to a computer before another two weeks.
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why am I so shy. i don't understand it at all. when i'm around my boys i'm upbeat, clever, funny, charismatic, outgoing....but as soon as a girl is in the equation...i can't speak. i can't think. i don't know how to act. i see very attractive females all the time at church, online, at shows...even grew a set big enough to contact them online, just to try and spark conversation...but i always seem to come out sounding stupid in the end. asking dumb questions. i want to be suave! like Don Juan dude! yeah! everyone tells me im too hard on myself, but I mean, im not being hard on myeslf...if i had the courage to go up to some attractive girl and ask her out and she shot me down, then i could be hard on myself...Im just telling the truth. Im shy! And also I've never had to do the whole, flirting game. Both of my gf's came on to me first and so I was in the clear. What do i say to a girl. "Call me sometime if you wanna get lunch or something" what the eff is that crap. I'm such a loser. I hate Beck by the way.
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Traveling down the only road I've ever known......
Two days until I move in to my new house with my buds Shawn and Ken. I'm pretty excited. Kinda nervous too.
I had a hectic day at work today. Very busy! Anyway...boring!!!!!
I have nothing eventfull or interesting to say. It's all the same stuff that goes on everyday, and everything I have to say you've all heard before.
***I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head.
Where I would impress you.
And every single word I said...
Would come out insightful, or brave, or smooth,
Or charming.
And you'd wanna call me.
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It's wearing down
This wall I've built
To guard my heart from painful memories.
It's wearing thin
This wall I've built
You've broken through into my heart.
I swore I'd...
Never let that happen, but you've given me so much.
My heart was hard. I've come so far...
From the ashes of bridges burned.
You know that I need you. I believe you...
Are nothing short of a miracle.
You've opened up my eyes and I love you.
It's fallen down
The wall I built
And I'll never let you go
I swear I'll...
(repeat)
You must be an angel
Sent from up above.
Cause you're the answer to my prayers...
The answer to my prayers.
So where now are your wings angel?
Where now are your wings?
Where would my life be without you?
Where would my life be?
Drifting on this endless ocean with no one to keep me company!! That's where I'd be!
But instead I'm right here with you hand in hand.
Reading letters that you sealed with kisses.
Sleep now on my shoulder I'll sit up all night tonight.
Thanking God for blessings such as...this!
"From the Ashes of Bridges Burned"...Copyright2003
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| Date: | 2003-07-06 02:21 |
| Subject: | counting down |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | hungry |
counting down the days until i move......
counting down the days until i find her.....
counting down the years that we have left.....
counting down the chances ruined......
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| Date: | 2003-07-04 00:11 |
| Subject: | Clarity! |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  sleepy |
I want to clear any misconceptions about the last post. What I said about Adam...was in no way meant to be sarcasm! I love A.T. to death. I honestly think he a great guy who has a heart for the Lord, and I'm happy to be able to call him one of my friends. Bless 'em!
Hung out with Perry tonight. Missed him alot. I love that kid.
I move out Thursday, July 10th. Pretty excited!
Nothing new. I miss having someone to call at night just to say goodnight. I miss having the feeling that someone else misses talking to me and wants to make sure I had a good day. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm too nervous too talk to girls to try and make new friends. There is this one girl right. I think she's really attractive, but I don't know her enough to just carry on a converstion or anything. I can barely muster the courage to say hello. I would love to get to know her better, but I just can't. I've built this wall and convinced myself that I'm nothing and will stay nothing....it's a shame that I know that I do this and still do...anyway, I'll just continue watching people from afar, wishing I could talk to them.....
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| Date: | 2003-07-02 01:56 |
| Subject: | Starting Over |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  lonely |
Well, it has been a while since I've had anything worth saying, and even now it's not like anyone reading this cares what I have to say. But that's what this is for so here goes.
We'll I have had quite and interesting few months since I've last posted anything worthwhile. Seen alot of new things, lost some friends, but that's nothing new...
Moving out with Shawn and Ken so I'm pretty stoked about that...praying that I will be able to pay all my bills.....
Got alot of things to think about....
Getting rather lonely. Last Saturday was the anniversary of when I "became single". A freakin year now I've been single. I know people have been alone for longer than that and I know God has a plan and it will all work out...I know I've heard it all....but I'm still lonely now so shut up! Let me sulk and I'll get over it...sorry
Anyway, so yeah...Adam, could there be a better man. So sir. I mean...what a model American! We could all learn from him and we should marvel at his essence. oooh ahhh
peace!
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| Date: | 2003-07-01 03:29 |
| Subject: | NEW LJ |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  confused |
what's up it's Jeremy. i got a live journal now so the diary may take a back seat.
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